Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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