I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
