70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
