Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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