I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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