Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
