I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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