i will never coherently bang her
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
