Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
