Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
