I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
