New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
