Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
