Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
