When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Randomize
