Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
