I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
