Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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