i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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