Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Randomize
