I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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