party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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