"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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