if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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