I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
there was a trapeze. enough said
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
