she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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