Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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