I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
