I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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