God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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