Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
