I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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