oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
