i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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