Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
