I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
