How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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