I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm determined to sit on that face.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
