i was born a porn star she said
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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