I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
