My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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