just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
