Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
