Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
