I just cut my nipple shaving
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
