im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
