i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
