I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
