I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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