I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
