Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
