There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
